Lost In Kingdom Lights

In short, I've been doing school, getting over and avoiding sickness, praying, making friends, listening to music, and sleeping(though, not as much as I'd like). I also have an authoress for a sister, and I'd like to blame her for hogging the computer and keeping me from my blog (along with those things listed above), but that wouldn't be nice, so I shan't. ;)

Me + rice krispie treats = <3

Then I heard the angel in charge of the waters say: "You are just in these judgements, you who are and who were, the Holy One, because you have so judged; for they have shed the blood of your saints and prophets, and you have given them blood to drink as they deserve."  And I heard the alter respond: "Yes, Lord God Almighty, true and just are your judgements."  (Revelation 16:5-7)

The book of Revelation, especially in chapters 15-18 - well, the whole thing is powerful and magnificent and awesome - but all the judgement seems rather harsh.  But it isn't; it's "true and just".  I never realized how patient and gracious God is.  He's giving people so much time to come to Him, when earth deserves to be destroyed with blood and fire.  Woah.

This really makes me want to shake everyone out of their own little worlds and make them realise THERE'S SOMETHING BIGGER AT HAND.  I want to help people find God, and help people that already know Him to truly realize what GRACE they've been given.  I mean, wow.  Grace takes on a whole new meaning now.

But, what if I'm still in my own little sphere?  I must admit, I get distracted (woah, dis - not/opposite, tracted - track) I literally get off track with my thinking and my living, and I get really caught up in what I'm going to do today.  What will I eat today?  What is everyone else doing today?  Will I get to enjoy myself today?  Oh goodness, someone please shake me!  IT'S NOT ABOUT TODAY!  Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Colossians 3:2)  Jesus has bought me away from this world with His blood.  HIS BLOOD.  I'd say, as sad as it is, His blood seems almost to be a common term of sorts now.  When was the last time you scraped your arm against something and bled?  Jesus' blood is just like yours, and He went through more than a few scrapes to shed it FOR YOU, so that you could be reconciled with God - so that we could be forgiven and realise the love God has for us.  Now "whoever believes in Him won't die, but will live forever"!  If He bought me to get me out of this world, why do I insist on being so interested, even obsessed with so many little non-important things here?  

My mission is to make disciples.  I'll set my mind on things above so I can focus on what's good (good is an understatment - OH SO VERY AMAZING!!), keep the dark out, and it will keep me humble and in my place, and keep me focused on what I'm here to do.

And it's certainly not my place to judge.  Ever.  That is soley (and more than rightly!!) God's place.  DUH.

Lord I love you.  I want to stay close to you and learn how to live in this place like you want me to.  Teach me how to love others so they can find YOUR love, and give me opportunities to share you with people still bound.  And when the opportunities come Lord, give me courage.  Thank you for the little things on earth that ARE beautiful.  But help me remember that this is not my home.  I'm so thankful that you are JUST, PATIENT, full of GRACE, and so unexplainably LOVING.  Thank you Lord.  I love you.

Driving through a quaint, old town, snow has powdered the world this morning and it makes everything beautiful.  The ponderosa forest zooms past while pink and green clouds dance overhead.  The snow-lined road underneath  jolts me about with its familiar drone while the music playing from my sister's iPod couldn't fit more perfectly.  The morning sun sets other clouds on fire and gives the moss on scattered branches a celestial glow.  Patches of sunlight dot the deep, shady woods as we pass by Lost Creek.  It starts snowing pine needles as we sit in the shade with an abandoned picnic table.  Wired fences, rusty mailboxes, and an old red beetle sitting in a bare dirt yard come and go as we wind down this mountain.  The snow has long since disappeared now, but the leftover autumn leaves beneath an orchard are just as lovely.  Christmas is quickly on its way, and as I sit here watching the world go by I suppose life is moving on just as fast.  Perhaps it's all a glorious daydream, but at least I can see it.  And it's beautiful.  God has blessed me more than I know, and that which I do know I can't ever be thankful enough for.  And now as we are especially remembering His birth... oh I can hardly believe what I've been given in a baby, the Son of God wrapped in swaddling clothes.  Soon we'll get our Christmas tree, decorate it with the ornaments all special and familiar, have a cup of eggnog and look at the beautiful thing.  Meanwhile, I'm still in the back window seat of our van, listening to Christmas music with the old hum of tires on pavement singing along.  In a short time though we'll drive down a recognisable road, pass some familiar buildings, and finally pull into our own driveway. Glory to the Newborn King.  Welcome home.

Sometimes, there is a song you listen to many, many times, and every time is just as beautiful as the last. The music and the lyrics fit so well, and it makes you feel all warm and cozy inside.  

Sometimes it's a sad song, bittersweet 'cause although the lyrics might be blue it still has that lovely, endearing sound that makes you listen to it again and again.

You know the words by heart, and you've thought them through over and over, so much that you've figured out every little meaning, motive, and emotion.

Know what I mean?

There are many songs that are like this for me.  One of them in particular is "Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City.  I love this song:

It's a bit melancholy perhaps, but it has a feeling of hope throughout the entire thing and that makes me smile.

I have listened to this song and heard these words so many times.
418 times to be exact.  Every time makes my heart melt; it's so soothing, and absolutely beautiful.

Well, once I was putting lyrics onto my iTunes, (did you know you can do that? Put lyrics onto a song, so that they come up when you play the song on an iPhone/iPod touch? I was very excited about this) and eventually I got to Vanilla Twilight, so I started to put the words on like all the other songs.  While separating the verses and choruses and whatnot, I happened to read the last two lines of the last verse.  I read it again.  I read it 6 or 7 times over.  It was amazing.  And I don't know why.  "I died." ♥  It wasn't like an epiphany, or divine revelation, it didn't really relate to me personally, it wasn't even like "I saw it in a new light."  But it was breath-taking.  Can something be breath-taking if it isn't a sight to see?  Maybe it's because I read instead of listened to the words.  But I've read the lyrics before.  Perhaps it because I read that one part by itself instead of straight through with the rest of the song.  Or perhaps because I mulled it over in my mind for a while and REALLY thought about each word and how they worked when put together.

It was exciting all the same.

I love when that happens.

"Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past, I'd whisper in your ear: 'Oh darling, I wish you were here.'"

Lately I've been struggling with decisions, and how/why I decide them.

There have been things I've wanted to do that seem like good ideas.  I mean really. Good. Ideas.  The kind that not only make me happy, but other people. Choices that would do more good, and nothing bad to anyone.  Maybe not extreme, life-changing good, but certainly no harm.

But for some reason, whenever I would think about one particular thing I wanted to do, I would feel a tug in my mind saying, "no, you don't need to do this" or "you shouldn't do this".  I would feel these same "tugs" when people would talk about God's plan for our lives, or once when someone quoted "Don't pray, 'God bless what I'm doing', instead, say 'God, show me what You're blessing, and I'll do that'."   It got to a point where I wouldn't listen to the voice, when I wouldn't let it speak.  I'd feel it start, but then I'd be sure to ignore it or try and think about something else.  What if it is God telling me no?  Or what if it is another voice, trying to make me think that God is saying no, to discourage me, or to make me think that God doesn't want me to have fun? Or maybe it's a really sneaky voice, saying "no you shouldn't" so that I'll think too hard and find the reason why I really SHOULD do it, or should not do it, or some crazy reason that is definitely NOT what God wants.  Or maybe it is my own fear of getting a "no" creeping into my head.  Perhaps it's my own thoughts voicing a voice that might speak when I really don't want it to, but that really isn't talking at all.

But I want to do this. I REALLY want to do this.  Is that so bad?

Well, the sensible answer is to pray.  But, what if the voice gets stronger? Whether it is God answering, or something else trying to interfere, like my own thoughts.  How can I REALLY have a conversation with God then?  
Well shouldn't I read the Bible, and let God speak to me?  Let myself familiarise myself once again with HIS voice, his will, and his divine purposes?
This for sure is a good plan!  But, did I take the time and execute it?

No.

Am I scared of getting "no" for an answer?  So selfish and wanting my own way, as to not care what God might want instead?

Don't I know, haven't I always been taught that "His way is the best way, now that I know, He loves me so. His way is the best WAAAAY!! and THAT'S!! the WAY!! for MEEE!!!"  :'/

Why am I holding back? Sticking to my (sinful) human wants?

So, I chose to drop that particular "want" all together.  To not even take the time to pray about it or read my bible, because I feel so strongly every time someone brings up "God's plan" or doing what He wants, that He IS telling me "no".  Now, maybe I am wrong.  But just saying that made the voice tug on my heart again, and I feel like I'm doing the right thing.  But then that's where something inside me says, "you can't trust your feelings".  That is why I dropped it. For now.  Probably forever.  But I've decided "no" because it has been turned into such a big mess of doubt and wishes.  I need the faith of a little child!  Lord, restore that to me, please!

Well, now a bigger opportunity has come my way.  A bigger "choice", if you will.  One that would allow me to serve God, to serve others, but also to enjoy myself and see people I love. One that would take a lot of funding that could only come from God, and a lot of peace and safety, that could also only come from God.  I immediately think "Of course! What a great service opportunity! Let's do it!" without taking too much time to pray or read my bible.  Now, I'm not saying I should fast for weeks until the answer is revealed, but spending some time with God through His word and prayer would be a good thing!  (This is also such a big decision, that He would need to speak to and through my parents.  And I know He will, and I trust my parents.  But I need to learn not to be so... impulsive, if you will, and to take time and seek Him myself.  I have a personal relationship with my Saviour, one that is my own.  I need to not throw it aside for immediate wants, or just assuming my parents will take care of it all. Which they could, but, you know ;))

But, I want this (and sometimes other things) so bad.  What if He does say "no"? 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rom. 8:28)

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Is. 55:9)

Isn't it better to be where He wants me? To be a part of His almighty, all glorious plan?  Doesn't He want the best for me?  Don't I trust Him enough to give him the reigns and see where He takes me?

He might let me make my own choices, let me have what I want, BUT I WOULD NOT BE LIVING OUT HIS PURPOSE FOR ME.

"I am not my own, for I have been made new.  Please don't let me go, I desperately need You." (From Meteor Shower by Owl City)

"From life's first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny."(From In Christ Alone)

These songs brought me to tears in my bed that night when I decided I was wrong, and needed to change(again).

"I am His, and He is mine.  Bought with the precious blood of Christ."

I am His, He bought me with His blood. He saved my life by giving up His.

And He is mine??! Look what I have been given.  Look at what He's done for me!  Does He not love me?  Has He not written out a beautiful story which is my life, of which He is the glorious centre, and yet I still benefit?  Is He not generous?  Does He not care about me SO MUCH, to save me from my sinfulness, and my denial??

He has in store for me a life so full, so blessed, but WILL I LIVE IT?

God I give myself over to You.  I am sorry for holding back part of me, which is no longer and never has been my own.  Father help to remember this.  I do NOT deserve Your love.  But still You continue to offer it to me and pour it out on my life more then I ever deserve.  Oh God, let me change now.  Help me to love others, to not be so self-centred.  I do not want to be anywhere other than where You want me.  How could I ever have ignored You?  God You love me. And I love You. Truly I do.  Help me to live it, and to always remember how loved and blessed by You I truly am.  Why would I want anything more?  Thank you for offering Your Son as my ransom, thank you for saving me, for loving me, for forgiving me over and over.  Oh Lord, thank you for teaching me this now, when I am young.  Help me to always be reminded of it, of how YOU have my life in Your hands.  I do not want to fight You Father.  I'm sorry for how stubborn I've been.  I cannot thank You enough for Your continual forgiveness and undying love.  You are God.  I am not and never could be.  Thank you that that is the way things are.  I love You.

Lost - not knowing one's whereabouts, unable to be found

Perhaps, a little bit like this?

Now, I am very excited to have started a blog! :D  I've been having fun personalizing it and naming it, and I was surprised but THRILLED to find that the domain name, "katiesblog", was available.  HaHA! :D  

What do you think so far? :]]

I promise to post things soon, and, well, perhaps not regularly.  We'll see.  ;)

Hugs!

~Katie

Look out.  I spilled my brains.

(This was my thought process through why (and if??) I should start a blog.  But as you can see, I decided to go ahead with it. ;) Yay!)

Why should I start a blog?